A Great tool for improved communication between couples (and other relationships!)

How many times have you come home and started sharing about something that happened in your day, and before you feel like you’ve even finished explaining the details, your partner is coming up with solutions and telling you what you should do tomorrow to make the situation better - because that’s not what you were looking for, you end up in a fight?

Or maybe you’ve been on the other side - your partner comes home, shares about a situation that upset them, and next thing you know, they’re even more upset telling you you’re being unhelpful, when all you wanted was to be helpful - and now you’re frustrated, too!

Listen, we’ve all been there! And it’s frustrating on either side.

The good news:

there’s a fairly simple tool you can use with your partner so you BOTH end up feeling less frustrated and more supported/supportive.

If you’re the sharer:

Before you start sharing with your partner, ASK YOURSELF - Am I looking to feel heard, be helped, or simply hugged?

Another way to think about it -

Would I like to just “vent” about this situation?
Would I like some help in figuring out how to problem-solve and “fix” it?
Or do I just need some compassion and empathy?

Pausing to know what you’re looking for from your sharing both helps you tailor what you’re sharing, as well as helps you clue in your partner, so they know how best to listen.

You’re more likely to get your needs met if you know what you need!

If you’re the listener:

What happens if you’re the listener and you’re not sure what your partner is desiring while they’re sharing?

Simply find a moment to ASK YOUR PARTNER - something like, “Hey, I really care what you’re sharing with me - and I want to support you the best I can. In order to do so, do you know if you’re looking to be heard, helped, or hugged?”

Knowing this ahead of time helps the listener adjust their listening -

Am I noticing how upset they are and reflecting on that?
Am I looking for another perspective or possible solutions to offer as ideas?
Or am I hearing them, offering compassion and giving them a hug?

It may be a combination of two - but knowing what the sharer is looking for helps prevent (or at least minimize) those moments of frustration and conflict that are really just about trying to be supportive, but accidentally miss the mark.

Now, have a conversation with your SPOUSE, PARTNER, PARENT, OR TEEN about this concept, then start implementing and practicing - see how it can help each person feel more successful!

Similar to “vent, solve, support”, the alliteration of “Heard/Helped/Hugged” helps it to be more easily recalled and enacted.

Do you want to be Heard, Helped, or Hugged?